✒️"I can't believe that we're here!" said the Dragon Lady, aka my wife Tess.
I just looked at her and 🙂smiled lazily because after the stress of the previous fortnight, but particularly of the- previous twenty-four hours it had taken us to arrive here at Cebu in the Philippines, I felt exactly the same way.
"Stressful would be an understatement." I replied in a now calm and dulcet voice I kept especially for such occasions.
We drove out of the airport with the worry of immigration now far behind us. I now felt very different and if a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders, which it had. I was 👍relaxed, laid back and truly grateful to be here and that so far everything had worked out well.
We were about to begin our compulsory ten-day covid lockdown prison sentence.
Presumably as the UK had added the Philippines to their covid red channel list, for simple retaliation, they had added us to theirs.
It made everything so much more difficult, and just to be allowed into Cebu, we had to submit to this needless incrassation, and there was no alternative.
But at that precise moment, neither of us cared two hoots.
We were here and although it was touch and go for a while; they had let us in. We were a step closer to staying at our new 🌴beachside home, a four-hour drive to the south, which had patiently awaited our arrival for more than a year.
"I managed to find a lockdown hotel with a balcony," said the Dragon Lady with a sense of pride and triumph in her voice as she displayed a winning smile.
Enjoying the emotion of the moment, ✔️I gave her little hand a squeeze of approval rather than exerting my voice.
The traffic in Cebu hadn't improved one bit since the last time I was here and easily beat the worst that London could boast. We crossed the Mactan - Cebu bridge in mental harmony heading towards Mandaue city which is a part of the greater Cebu metropolitan area.
The Dragon Lady is a bit of a control freak and likes things the way she likes them. For that reason, she insists on being in charge of all the arrangements, which for me is a small price to pay for the luxury of sitting back and relaxing.
I already knew she wouldn't have booked a five-star or exclusive hotel because both of us dislike such sterile environments with a passion.
We, also tend to be frugal when it comes to spending our hard-earned cash. However, ✔️she usually makes good choices.
Having a balcony which to escape was also essential to the Dragon Lady, as in her own words, "we'd probably kill each other if you stuck us in a room together for ten days." More accurately, it was highly likely I would die from nagging.
At that precise moment, our five times the usual price special lockdown taxi, without warning, turned sharply into a dull and dusty hotel facade. From the outside, it looked as if it had seen better days and was extremely uninviting.
However, I have learned that 🔍you should never try to judge the quality of a book from the cover or you might miss a gem of a read, and so I stayed equally open-minded and hopeful about the hotel interior.
At this point, the Dragon Lady, who I often suspected has a psychic connection directly to my mind, began reading my thoughts or the look on my face.
"It was the only one available with a balcony!" she reminded me with a firm no bollocks growl. She exited the taxi so rapidly that I thought she had been aided by an ejector seat.
She was obviously irritated by my perceived disappointment.
Like a well-trained-puppy I followed behind and into the depths of what was to become our prison. I estimated that if I was asked to be truthful, I would evaluate (and being generous) this would be a ¼ a star hotel, and of a lower standard that most high security prisons.
Our prison guards rapidly ushered us to the rear of the isolation hotel. These were all young people who exhibited mouthfuls of exceptionally well-maintained teeth, broad smiles, and were all exceptionally nice, helpful and friendly.
"Do you think they are leading us to the dungeons I asked?" The Dragon Lady gave me her (behave yourself look) although🤣she also was ready to burst into laughter.
"Sorry," I replied, "Dungeons don't have balconies," and with that comment, she punched me.
Two minutes later, we were shown to our first-floor cell. It was the third room down a balcony with six rooms. Okay, it wasn't a private balcony as I was expecting and had hoped for, but it was better than nothing.
The room was basic, well-worn and tied and in desperate need of a lick of paint.
Most important of all, it was clean, and had a window at the far end which provided a cooling through draft. For the next 10 days, we would call this home.
After a refreshing cold shower, and rather than participating in our more usual sarcastic bickering and arguments, we sat on the balcony in the pleasant tropical warmth and watched the remainder of the dying day and the sun setting below our prison perimeter wall.
🍽️"What are we going to eat?" I asked my wife, not as I was hungry, but as we weren't allowed out to buy food, I was interested in discovering what arrangements she had made for us.
😡I could have predicted her response.
"No wonder you're fat. All you think about is food?" She chirped in a very mocking and irritating manner. Her comment was bait designed to provoke a response from me, but I refused to bite, and I smiled kindly at her. She so hates being ignored, and hates even more when I get the better of her.
The hotel staff continually proved they would go that extra mile to please us and within minutes of arriving, a pretty girl appeared with the hotel Wi-Fi password, and we were once again connected to the outside world and spent the next hour staring into our smart phones until our food arrived in white polystyrene boxes.
"Oh, look, we're getting rice," I tried to sound surprised. She knew I would make a comment and gave me her best distasteful look. In addition to a huge scoop of white rice, it was accompanied by huge chunks of greasy meat, just the way Filipinos love it.
There would be vegetables if was lucky, and a piece of fruit. My wife, being a raptor, eats anything which isn't firmly nailed down and would happily eat the greasy chunk of fat which came with my meal.
Being vegetarian, I ate the rice, and a few minutes later, one of the hotel boys presented me with two small cans of ice-cold 🍺 beer, which my wife had ordered and paid for. I was delighted.
"Are you contented now?" said my wife.
😝Insults were used against each other like an ongoing game of tennis.
Once the food and beer had been consumed, both of us, being totally exhausted from doing nothing but worry for the past twenty-four hours, collapsed into our beds and the warm night passed quickly.
Waking up the next morning, however, was certainly more difficult than-nodding off, which for me was instantaneous.
As the rising sun chased away the darkness of the night, I felt as if I was awakening from a surgical aesthetic and I remained drowsy for quite some time.
However, rather than staying in bed, I staggered out onto the balcony in my underpants to a wonderful 🌞tropical morning. At first, and I think due to the depth of my sleep, I found it difficult to focus my eyes as they felt as if they were working independently.
I had certainly slept deeply, and as I slowly resurfaced, I felt mellow and contented as we had slept twelve good hours straight.
Moments later, the Dragon Lady appeared equally dazed and was also far from fully awake. She slumped heavily into a chair and scowled 😡 menacingly at me. Her shock of long, dark hair was untidy and looked like she had been dragged through a hedge backwards.
"My God, you look like a Klingon warrior," I said, expecting her to immediately begin breathing fire, but nothing! It was not like her NOT to retaliate. It's amazing how getting over a stressful situation affects people differently.
"I have many mosquito bites!" She began to complain.
"Don 't worry they'll die quite soon after biting you." She gave me her best 😔hurt look.
Shortly after, I saw our breakfast was about to arrive to I put some shorts on for decency's sake. This time my rice was accompanied by what would be best described as mushed up cactus which my wife gave a name.
I tried it cautiously, but it was really tasty and I'm sure fully of the goodness of this lovely sun-drenched country.
So, this was prison food, and as regularly as clockwork, three meals arrived every day: my wife ate the meat, and I ate rice and strange vegetables, if we were lucky enough to get any.
🥣"Are you missing my cooking?" the dragon lady asked after being resident for a few days. I knodded, and she knew I was as truthfully the Dragon Lady is a domestic goddess in the kitchen.
Deprived of flavoursome food, at that point I was even missing my own cooking.
However, I had a plan, and I called Igsoon Abi, my sister-in-law Abigail who lived a fifteen-minute drive away and I asked her if she could deliver either 'RED Cross' parcels, or failing that, some spicy pot noodles and tasty fresh Cebu grown fruit, which always tasted wonderful.
Abigail, although she had a family of four children to look after, and is a full-time teacher was happy to resolve my need for external nourishment and provisions. I asked her to leave it at the hotel reception desk and expected that is as far as they would allow her to go.
This would be a good point to explain that I was the one who spoke to Abigail because she had no idea that the Dragon Lady was here and that she had returned to Cebu with me.
As my wife hadn't seen her family for two years, she had wanted to keep her arrival as a big surprise, which is always fun.
However, as I sat at our small table on the access balcony writing in my notebook, I saw a smiling Abigail turn the corner of our corridor and begin squeaking with delight when she saw me, which is her way.
🚀For a telly-tubby shaped girl, she moved towards me at a remarkable speed.
"Abigale," I shouted in original surprise, but mainly to warn Tess of the unexpected visit!
"Wow, I didn't expect them to let you up here!" I really didn't, because this made a complete mockery of our lockdown. I was up and out of my chair faster than was good for a fat guy of my age, and as I passed our room entrance, I saw the Dragon Lady scurrying for the security of the shower room.
Abigail immediately put me in a strong bear-hug and squeaked some more and I felt truly missed. She was on her way to school, so quickly deposited our food parcel on the chair and gave me another firm death clinch before heading back the way she had come.
It's safe to come out, I called, and Tess came to join me.
"That was close," she replied as she examined the contents of the bag with the interest of a hungry weasel, hoping it might discover a stray rabbit.
The Mystery of Room 217.
At first, we thought that we were alone, and the sole inmates of the first floor; but we soon noticed something very puzzling. Our polystyrene boxed meals always arrived on a brightly coloured tray.
Although the penny didn't immediately drop, perhaps subconsciously, I had become aware there were always three boxes. Ours were deposited on our table and then the jailer who delivered them carried on past me with the remaining box of rations, and when he returned, it was gone.
The 🐉Dragon Lady and I were always too keen to discover the species of the chunks of fat we knew the box concealed, and so we were initially distracted. However, I was born with the natural curiosity of a whole litter of 🐈🐈🐈cats, and very soon I wanted to know more and solve this mystery which tormented me.
The next day, I was ready and waiting. I had prepared and focused all of my attention on room 217. The delivery boy knocked on the door, but we were too far away to see anything except when the boy turned around, the white box had disappeared.
So, at the next mealtime, and having nothing better to do, or anywhere to go, I followed the food delivery boy down the corridor and commanded a vantage point of the door a couple of paces behind him.
He knocked on the door and waited but nothing: He knocked upon it again, only this time much louder and still nothing.
The boy was about to leave the box on the floor when the door handle rotated and the lock sprung open, unlocking the door.
It was like a spooky scene from a horror movie and the door slowly creaked and yawned wider, just a little at first, and my heart rate increased in anticipation of what would happen next. In almost slow motion, the door slowly opened wide enough to get the food delivery box through.
I'd like to tell you that a frightening hand dripping with blood extended, grabbed the delivery boy and pulled him screaming inside, never to be seen again. That would be so much more exciting than the feminine and well-manicured hand which did appear to retrieve the box before disappearing back inside and slamming the door firmly shut. I saw the same thing happen day after day without becoming any wiser about our neighbour, or the origin of this individual.
Then, one night towards the end of our stay, shortly after we had retired to our bed. I heard the door of room 217 slam loudly shut, which was followed by the distinct sound of a suitcase with wheels being pulled along the corridor.
I was determined not to miss this opportunity and to catch at least a brief glimpse of our mystery resident neighbour. I was out of bed faster than-a Jack-in-a-box and heading towards the door and exit balcony beyond as fast as my little fat legs would carry me.
In my hast I painfully stubbed my toe, and reached the door, limping and casting curses on humanity and my carelessness, but I was too late. She was gone, and I'm only left with the memory of an arm and the curiosity to know what was on the other end of it.
Rodney
She was picking on me more than usual and as a result; we had begun creatively bickering far more than usual, which indicated that we were in bad need of someone new to talk with.
Two days after we arrived at the penitentiary I arose with the dawn as is my way, and went to sit at the small table on our balcony.
It was difficult not to notice the first room on our floor had a new 🤟 occupant as he was sitting quietly outside his room, staring into his phone. As soon as he saw me, a broad grin of friendship came to his face and he walked over to greet me.
This was Rodney who had an appearance and accent I wasn't expecting to see or hear in the Philippines.
He possessed a sunny, broad and laid-back calypso accent and he had a gentle nature to match. Rodney was one of the nicest people you could hope to meet ANYWHERE, and due to his good nature, I teased and tormented him relentlessly. Rodney was a policeman in his home island of Trinidad and seemed to love the fun I poked at him.
He was here to visit his Filipina wife before returning home with her to the Caribbean. It seemed like an unusual union until I discovered they were both dedicated Mormons who obviously wanted to find and marry someone of the same denomination. Rather than searching close to home, they had decided to look beyond their own locality, and I presumed they had found each other at Mormons-online.com
Mahatma Jai,
The banging from the next room in the middle of the night highlighted the fact a new inmate or inmates had taken up residence in the room next to us.
"My god, what's are they doing in there?" asked the Dragon Lady.
For more than an hour, it sounded as if they were reassembling the furniture with constant loud bangs and crashes. Then it went quiet, and they, or the sole occupant, obviously had everything rearranged to their full satisfaction and the rest of the night passed uneventfully.
The next morning, I left the room to find a diminutive Indian looking gentleman speaking extremely loudly to the wall, which was one of the strangest sights I had seen for a while, which stopped me in my tracks.
Upon further investigation, I discovered he wasn't speaking to the wall at all, but to his wife on his phone, which was sitting in a recess of the precast reinforced concrete panels the hotel had been constructed with.
He was in loud video conversation and didn't seem to care two hoots who overheard the most intimate details of his domestic conversations. Jai was a Buddhist, so with Rodney a Mormon, a Jew and a Catholic, our first-floor retreat began to feel like a religious convention at the United Nations.
Jai had proved to be one of life's natural comedians and all-round (in every sense of the word) nice guys. He wasn't shy and once he started to talk, stopping him or even getting a word in edgeways became a challenge.
With his Indian accent and mannerisms, including a head which nodded as regularly as a ticking- metronome as he spoke. Jai helped our time there pass quickly, as he kept us in fits of mirth and laughter.
How Could You?
My wife found the small shower a great place to wash our clothes, and would throw them all in together, add soap and walk, wash, rinse and repeat as many times as necessary until they were clean.
However, drying them was a different story, and damp, mainly underwear (mine) was scatted throughout our apartment hung on anything and everything in an attempt to catch the through breeze.
Suddenly, our room resembled a busy Chinese laundry.
To me, a meagre man, the answer was simple and the hot sun was an idea ready-made method for drying our clothes. So, the next morning without ceremony, I hung my underpart in the sun and on the balcony wall outside our room.
I never wore anything more than shorts the whole time I was there, so it was a fairly sure guess to anyone who saw me that I also wore underpants which would need washing from time to time.
So, what the hell was wrong with hanging them in the sun to dry I still don't understand? To say that the Dragon Lady was not happy was a huge understatement.
More truthfully, she went nuts when she saw them and shouted abuse at me in Cebuano, gathered them up as quick as she could and gave me a hard time for the rest of the day.
Time to leave!
Although neither of us looked forward to lockdown, nor would we voluntarily do it again.
Due to the kind friends we made there, the time passed quickly, and it really wasn't too bad except we now ached all over from taking no exercise and having nothing to do.
As our release date arrived, we felt almost sad to leave Rodney and Jai behind, and with fond farewells said, my new life, and six-month stay in Cebu began.
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